Friday, 22 March 2013

10 reasons why having a dog is NOT like having a baby...

Let me start this by telling you that I am a dog person.  I've grown up with dogs my whole life, I love them, I think they're fantastic.  Who wouldn't love that sweet slobbery face of love with that unconditional wagging tail of joy?  But if one more person tells me they know what it's like to be a sleep deprived parent because they have a dog that has to pee in the middle of the night, I will probably kick them in the face.  

Having a dog is NOT like having a baby.  While you may call them your furry children, they are not your offspring.  There is something VERY different about caring for a small helpless human compared to caring for a dog.  Don't believe me?  Want to send me hate mail?  Bite me.  Pun intended.

But ok, if you want to argue... no problem, I'm game.  Here are the top 10 things you must do as a dog lover to convince me that you indeed are treading water in the same deep end as the rest of us, called parenthood.

1.  You have rocked Fido to sleep.  Let me be more clear.  It's 3am, they're whining and pacing.  You have picked up that doggy, and rocked them in your arms until they have passed out.   You try to put them down in their own bed, only to have them wake up and start howling-- so you pick them up again.  They claw at your face trying to destroy you in a cranky temper tantrum as you desperately start rocking them again.  You repeat this vicious cycle every 20 minutes until 5 am before resigning to the fact that you will be 'sleeping' upright in the damn rocking chair the rest of the 'night', with this dog in your arms. (Oh, and you can't take the dog back to where you got them, you're stuck with the one you got sucka!)

2.  You have been barfed on while lying in bed together, and then because it was 4:23am (just slightly too early to get up and bath your dog) you've put a towel over top of the barf, wiped your dog off as best you can and went back to sleep.  

3.  You've planned your life around 90 minute intervals feeding intervals for at least 4 months.  You have stopped everything that you are doing to hold them, cuddle them, and make sure that they eat.  Doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing, stop - drop - and feed.  Oh, this applies to the wee-waking hours of the morning peanut, just to be clear. 

4.  You take your dog with you everywhere with a twenty pound bag filled with their 'stuff' (food, water, blankets, toys, hand sanitizer, toy sanitizer, extra leashes--incase yours breaks, bags for the poo poo, and something to carry them in if they get tired).  Now I mean, EVERYWHERE.  Like grocery shopping, to the restaurant, to the gym... EV-ERY-WHERE.  If not, you find someone to watch them or you do not get to leave your house without them -- no exceptions

5.  You have picked snot out of their nose with your fingers.  And when that wouldn't do,  you bought a teeny turkey baster and felt an extreme sense of victory when an enormous snot ball gets freed.  You consider keeping it to show  your significant other of your achievement.

6.  They have shit in your hands, and you didn't throw up.

7.  They have urinated on every bit of your body.  Face, hair, arms, behind your knees.  You name it, it's been pissed on.  Your reaction?  Laughter, because dog urine is pure and angelic.

8.  You never, and I mean never go to sleep unless they are sleeping.  If they aren't sleeping and it's been 4 hours since their last nap, you do everything in your power to make them sleep.  If they are awake, you are also.

9.  You have an unhealthy obsession with their bum hole.  You've powdered it, smeared cream on it, poked at it, smelled it, and quite possibly asked other people to smell it.  You have gotten all up in that chocolate starfishes face (more than once), just to make sure everything is normal (because apparently you're an anus specialist).  Extra points if you have used a q-tip to fish hard poop out of the 'hole of ass' because he's constipated.

10.  You have checked on them at least 53 times while they were sleeping just to make sure they weren't dead.  Like a stalker, you have stood over them as they slept to see if they were breathing.  If you couldn't tell, you poked their leg to make sure they moved.

Bonus:   You have let them suck on your nipple.  Actually, if you have done this, you have bigger issues than you realize.  Seek help.  Immediately.    

This goes to show you can find ANYTHING on the internet.

Ok, so I know and you know that having a dog is awesome.  They're great companions.  But lets agree that they are emphatically not like raising a baby of your own.  Perhaps I confused you because I have a harness and leash for my 8 month old tornado of a son but I have raised many dogs and am raising a son and it absolutely, positively, not even close to the same thing.   I'm sorry to break it to you but if my child is 12 and needs surgery that I think is too expensive, I don't have the choice of euthanizing him.  Nor can I leave my child alone in a crate for the work day.  Now lets be clear here, I'm not hating on dog owners, because I am one -- and I love me my doggie, she's awesome.  But I'm just done with people making a completely bogus analogy between the two.  When I tell you I'm sleep deprived, just nod in sympathy, buy me a coffee, or just don't say anything -- but for the love of all things holy, don't tell me you know what I'm talking about because your dog needed to take a shit at 5 am-- because clearly that's the same.  

Crazy dog people, do still want to send me hate mail to convince otherwise?  Go ahead.  Here's my email address.

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