Thursday, 31 January 2013

6 things I should be ashamed of, but I'm not...

Alright, confession time.  Here's a list of six things, that before I had a baby, I would have never EVER thought I would do.  I should probably feel ashamed for having done them -- but lets get real, there's only so many times your hand can get pooped in like a frozen yogurt machine before you lose all sense of humility and how to act appropriately.  So judge if you must, but being a Mom is about keeping your head above water while there is baby poop floating all around you.  And for the record, you're not a real bad-ass Mom until you've done at least one of these things.

1.  Left your child in his carseat because he is sleeping.
This seems to be a hot topic right now.  I've had more than one Mom   come in close, all up in my grill, to whisper like they're going to tell me their deepest secret.  They've even made me pinky swear not to tell anyone as they look left, then right to make sure no one is listening.  "I let my child sleep in their car seat, please don't judge me".  

Ah jeez! Common now! I thought you had something Britney Spears bad to tell me.  Like you said, "Screw it, it's only a couple of blocks -- he's asleep in his carrier, I'll just drive home with him like this -- air bags are soft, right?"  

Seriously, I really don't see the problem with this, I do it.  I've even left him in a parked car in the garage, with the door to the house open (and trust me when I tell you I will hear him when he awakens from his 17 minute slumber, infact the whole neighbourhood will likely hear him) -- while I put away groceries.  Here, let me get the number for Child Protective Services for you...

2.  Breastfed while roasting red peppers.
Amongst other strange things, like crocheting.  (Ok, I don't crochet.  My BFF does...and she's bat-shit crazy multi-tasking talented.  In fact, one time at band camp, she crocheted my son a hat while making an apple pie and breastfeeding.  True story.)

Now remember back to when you first started breastfeeding and thought, "Awesome, I have all this time to catch up on my television watching!  This is going to be great!".  But then you find yourself taping Boy Meets World reruns and you realize you cannot possibly sit still on the couch for a minute longer--not even for the marriage of Cory and Topanga? (even though you were cordially invited...)  This is how I became a multi-tasking breastfeeding ninja. 

Here are a some (but not all) of my most noted tasks that I have accomplished one-handed while breastfeeding:

- playing level 32 of Candy Crush on my iPhone 
(...clear the jellies? dammit, I hate that level...)

- going to the bathroom 
(...he finally just latched after a hunger strike and I really had to pee ok?)

- eating dinner, but difficult things to eat one handed, like a beef dip or hard tacos 
(...extra points for licking the salsa off your child's head that you most definitely dropped on hour ago... Oh, wait... is that some shredded cheese? Mmm...)

- blogging 
( just tried to picture it, didn't you...weirdo...)

- drinking hot coffee 
(...for some reason people get shocked when I do this... Hey, you're at my house at 9 in the morning, either call first or deal with the fact that my boob will be out and there is going to be caffeine involved.)

Admit that you're now feeling one of two ways.... Jealous of my mad-skills or itching to leave a comment below to "one-up" me...

I don't know who this is, but she wins the 'best breast-feeding-multi-tasker', hands down!

3. Fake breastfeed.*
I know, sounds weird right?  It's brilliant, if you haven't done it  yet -- trust me you will.  Picture it.  Your husband is putting out the garbage, vacuuming, or cleaning the kitchen...something that he could use some help with but you just need to see the end of Project Runway.   You know that Uli is for sure going to 'out' because her dress is hideous (what the hell is with all the neon this season?).  But dammit, your baby has fallen asleep and the panel has just started their deliberations.  You hold your baby close, shove the nipple back into his sleepy-open mouth for added effect and just wait until the show is done to get off the couch.  

So I used my breastfeeding superpowers for evil, sue me.  (By the way -- Uli was 'in'.  Fashion is so weird.)

*I don't think my husband reads my blog, he probably has just scanned it to make sure I'm not saying anything horrible about him.  He gets enough of the 'live' version at home.  But if  you happen to be reading this right now honey, this is a purely fictional scenario that I just made up for comedic purposes.  Honest. ;)

4.  Left your child in the car while paying for gas.
I don't know why people freak out so much from this.  Listen, he's 6 months old -- he's not going to take my standard car for a joyride.  If it was an automatic it be a different story, but he hasn't figured out how to drive stick yet, so we're ok.  

In all honesty, I tried to pay at the pump but the bloody machine wouldn't work no matter how many times I quickly removed my card.  I did it so many times that the gas attendant had to embarrass me by talking over his intercom..."EXCUSE ME MA'AM (ouch.. Ma'am?..really?) ARE YOU TRYING TO GET GAS?"...No I'm trying to roast a turkey.  

Take a minute and calm the hell down when you see me dash inside, I need gas or my child and I will be living here at the Shell station.   The car doors are locked, so the minute my child is alone while I pay inside is hardly a huge issue.  Either way, since he's my child and he's in the car, he's probably screaming like a banshee so the chances of someone willingly taking him are slim to none.  So take a breath, everything will be ok peanut.     

5.  Became a boobie flasher.
Seriously -- how many people have I accidentally shown my aerola to?  I've totally lost count.  Actually, to be honest, it was only accidental for a couple weeks and now it's like, hey if you don't want to see my boob-- call first or don't come over.   This baby needs to eat and in my own house I'm not going to be sweating my ass off under an 'utter cover' as my child passes out from heat exhaustion just so you can feel 'comfortable' with me nursing.  Let's get real, I'm also not going to the other room because there's no TV in there.  And while we're being so honest, even if I was covered up -- you'd probably be visualizing my nipple.  So stop it.

Then what about at the hospital?  Just how many female nurses can fondle your boob before you switch teams?  I distinctly remember one nurse telling me (as she squished my engorged boob into a pancake), " just have to make it like a hamburger...".  

What?  A hamburger?  Really?  That's the best analogy you can come up with?  Why not a cheeseburger?  Or maybe a portabello veggie burger, for the vegans in the crowd?  That's it lady now you've done it, pass me my cell phone, I need to call my husband so he can stop at McDonalds.  You can't expect me to eat this shitty hospital food when you went and got cheeseburgers on my mind.   Let's clear something else up while we're at it, the first food I want to eat after giving birth in the dead of summer anyways, is NOT a microwaved 'Hungry Man' turkey dinner.

And I can't even count how many times Liana Pretto, the lactation Godess or Wizard whatever she is, (she has magical powers, honestly -- she can just think about your boobs over the phone and somehow fix any breastfeeding issue you have) has seen my nipples.   I used to have some modesty and now I can flip my boob out quicker than your husband will pass you your child during a meltdown.  Impressive, right?  Anyone up for a boobie show down?  1....2.....3......draw!

6.  Sat your child in a Walmart shopping cart.
Are you crazy?  It is a proven fact that Walmart is a complete cess pool where terrible diseases are born, and where happiness goes to die.  Watch out for falling...bubonic plague!  Infact, I believe the first Ebola outbreak started at a Walmart.  You'd have to be out of your mind to let your child sit in one of those seats.  Quick!  Hide!  Now I'm calling Child Protective Services on you!  My how the tables have turned... ;)

1 comment:

  1. Hilarious! I have a 4 week old baby girl and I feel that I will do most, if not all of these as well!