I vaguely remember a time long long ago when I would have to set an alarm to wake up in the morning. The need to hit the snooze button was overwhelming because, at the time, 7:15 was an ungodly time to wake up. I have a faint recollection of thinking I felt tired. Seven. Bloody. Fifteen. Now, waking up at 7:15 sounds like a freaking vacation (... pass the mojitos, which way to the beach?) If I could go back in time I would back hand my past-self and then take a long nap before coming back to the land of no sleep where the need for an alarm clock is unnecessary because I went and grew one for myself.
It's brilliant really, this brand-spanking new alarm clock. It's so efficient that I can even keep it in a separate room and it will still wake me up. However, lately it's started to malfunction. It seems to keep going off through out the middle of the night, even though I set it for 6:30 am. It's odd, because it used to work well and now after having it for 6 months it has been going off at 11:30pm, 2:13am, 3:57am, 6:17am and finally at 7:02am. In fact, its gotten so faulty that the precise minute I get back into bed, get back under the warm covers, settle my head into the pillow and scrunch into a pseudo fetal position, exhale in exhausted excitement at the prospect of sleep -- the alarm will go off, ah-gain. I've been trying to find my receipt to see if there is a warranty on it so I can take it back and to get it fixed -- but I must have accidentally thrown it out (...it probably was in the same bag as my sanity).
Lucky for me, my new alarm has awesome 'wake-up' features that ensure I'll never over sleep again. Each has a variety of sound choices (...that I keep on 'shuffle' just to keep it interesting) that escalate in volume if I take too long to go shut it off and it even still came with a snooze button. When the alarm initially goes off, I'm definitely guilty for hitting snooze (...it's located on the 'power' button on the high tech video monitor accessory). But no worries about sleeping in, there's a fool-poof back-up second alarm that goes off 7 minutes after you hit the snooze button. That's right, I splurged and made sure that I have two alarm clocks (...both have life-time guarantees of disrupting my sleep). I keep that fancy second one right next to me in bed. It's a larger version, very aesthetically pleasing, easy to hold, and it only goes off when the first alarm gets too loud. The problem with the second alarm is it only has one sound option that is downright aggravating to listen to. The very instant it goes off, your mood instantly sours while you envision kicking it in the shins it as you drag your ass out of the bed for the fifth time in the last three hours. Without fail, the minute you've mustered the last ounce of your energy to get out of bed, the second alarm promptly rolls over and shuts off for the rest of the night (or until you hit the snooze button again). I wonder what that feels like...
|Ah, a homemade|
body pillow for
|"I'm sure this works well", said no one ever.|
You know how you're not supposed to leave your child unattended? That's pretty bad parenting right? Would you leave your child to crawl around your house while you ran out to the store? It'll only be 45 minutes. Yep, that's what I basically did. Give the audience a prize. You guessed it, I'm awesome and I totally fell asleep. Imagine the huge rock of guilt I felt picturing the horrendous scenarios that could have happened to my little baby coupled with feeling of resignation that at least I got some rest I so desperately needed. Great now I feel more guilty for being happy about getting some sleep. Who has two thumbs and was just presented the mother of the year award? This girl. (Don't all of you call Child Protective Services at once, you'll crash the phone lines.) In the end, my child was found by my husband, playing in the kitchen by the knifes, dynamite, and rat poison. Just joking. Obviously my house is baby proof, but sleep proof my couch definitely is not. Note to self: Must. Make. Coffee. Earlier.
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